


beloved, my john

by thecoilsofnikolatesla



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boundaries, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Let's Kill Caesar And Call It A Date, M/M, PTSD Courier, PTSD Joshua, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, also they kiss like on the first fucking chapter because i can't do buildup, c-ptsd and how it impacts fucking relationship stability, trans courier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-10 13:40:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7847248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoilsofnikolatesla/pseuds/thecoilsofnikolatesla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a simple enough suggestion: go with the Courier and take down the man threatening the peaceful lives of thousands in the Mojave. And maybe figure out where the Malpais Legate and Courier Six stand with each other along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. let no sin rule over me

"You're going back to the Mojave tomorrow."

It was not a question, it was a statement of fact. Tyler looked up from cleaning his six-gun at Joshua next to him. 

"I figured it was time to head out. Get outta your hair, in a manner of speakin'. That n' Rexie misses me and most of my friends n’ God Himself probably think I'm dead again."

Joshua resisted the urge to shoot him a look, turning his head back to the bible in his hands, the words going unread for once in his second-baptized life.

"You're not taking the same passage back."

"'Course not." Tyler, deciding he was done cleaning, slowly started to load bullets into the six chambers.

"Hm."

Joshua shifted a bit, closing his body off from Tyler just a bit, trying to take the word of the Lord and peace into his heart.

"Why you ask?"

He didn't have a good answer. Joshua bit his tongue, not sure how to even tell the courier that he wanted him to stay. Here. Here in Zion Canyon, with the Dead Horses and with him.

He'd grown unreasonably attached to Tyler in the time he'd stayed. From day one, Tyler had marked himself as unstoppably other; his mannerisms, his speech, the way he shrank when Joshua made an observation on his trauma responses.  Probably not the best way to start a friendship, but it had started nonetheless. If he hadn't been there when everything had happened Joshua didn't know what kind of man he'd be now.

* * *

 

_ "I'd be all over tanning his hide on Zion Canyon's rock but Joshua, this ain't gonna fix you." _

_ "It isn't  meant to! I made that  clear , that this was a slaughter, you  knew  \--" _

_ "Joshua. Look at me. He's an asshole, through and through, deserves to die one hell of a lot more n' you or me for what he did to New Canaan. But this ain't about him, and it ain't about me." _

* * *

 

He hadn't noticed Tyler's eyes lift and start boring into Joshua's.

"Awful quiet this evening."

"You say that like I'm a talker."

"After a guided question you tend toward it, 'least."

Tyler couldn't see Joshua's lips thin to a line at the observation.

"I just wanted to check that you weren't using a bad route."

The courier brushed his knuckles against Joshua's sleeve; the rough equivalent of a soft punch, but accounting for his skin. "C'mon. I can tell when somethin's got your tongue. This ain't about routes."

"It's not something to bother you with," he said simply, because it was true.

"Bullshit. It bothers you, it bothers me. But if you don't wanna talk about it, I got it."

"Thank you."

They fell back into silence; comfortable, but not as comfortable as before. His nose twitched. And it wasn't to last.

"Come with me."

His eyes snapped up from the psalm he was reading to Tyler's eager eyes inches from his face.

"What?"

"I said, come with me."

He opened his mouth and closed it a few times, lost for a reply for once in his life.

"To the Mojave?"

"Well, when you put it like that of course it sounds stupid." His eyes fell to the floor. Joshua could see disappointment in his body language, even if he tried to hide it. "Joshua, you know I'm goin' after the Legion. No one better than takin' down the Caesar than the man he supposedly burned. And you wouldn’t have to stay forever or nothin’. Could always come back when we’re done. Forget you ever knew me."

"...Awe-inspiring, but I’d like to note how you just pointed out that it was him that brought me down, not the other way around."

"Practice makes perfect." Tyler leveled his eyes back with the burned man. "What's more, you got somethin' you didn't last time you were in the Mojave."

A thousand things flipped through Joshua’s mind.  _ Patience? Newly found peace? Moral ground? A moral compass? Morality, period? Body-wide burns? _

"What?"

"You got me."

Silence fell between them again, but their shared gaze held through it, and Joshua didn't know if it was comfortable or not.

"You got me. I -- you got every inch of me, even if I'm so fuckin' scared of what'll happen now that I've said that. You got me till -- till radiation peels back the Wasteland and the world falls apart. You got me -- hell, past that, you got me till someone breaks the seventh seal and God himself brings down Armageddon on my ass."

Joshua's throat felt dry, and Tyler's expression had shifted to mild fear, but the conviction in his words was real.

"I'm here with you for all of that. Or until you send me away. Whatever comes first, I --" and his voice broke, and Joshua thought maybe he was having a stroke or God himself had given him another blessing he didn’t deserve.

"-- I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so fucking sorry but I think I love you."

As he said that he drew away from Joshua, shrinking away from the firelight and looking anywhere but up, like he wanted to crawl into a hole and be forgotten. Joshua  reached out with a quickness he hadn't realized he still possessed, opting to settle fingers on the back of Tyler's hand in a silent plea to  _ please, please stay. _

"I can't leave you tomorrow," he said, voice fallen and scared. "I'm so fucking terrified, Joshua, I haven't felt this safe for so long --"

"Tyler."

The courier stopped, making himself breathe as his fingers tightened on his thigh.

"Sorry."

"Shh." Joshua thought for a moment before he reached a hand up to tug at the bandages on his face, exposing his mouth to the night air. It was mostly healed by now after the fall and the contact to the air no longer made him cringe.

It was more skin of his than Tyler'd ever seen, that he knew from the expression of startled shock on the courier's face. (Not displeased,or scared, just  _ shocked _ .)

"You do understand I'm taking this to mean you meant all of that."

"...S' why I said it, Joshua."

"Good. I -- no, not good at all. Don't devote yourself to me." He paused, looking at Tyler's face. "But good. In a rather selfish way."

Tyler looked incredulous. "What do you m --"

Joshua cupped the back of Tyler's head with his hand and pressed a fervent but chaste kiss to his dry lips, feeling suddenly aware of the world around them, feeling brazen. Tyler's fingers desperately scrabbled for purchase on his vest rather than near his skin. It was soft, scraping and  _ vibrant _ \-- those were the only words that he could conjure to recount the image later behind his eyelids. The rest of Zion Canyon gave way to his breathing,  _ their _ breathing. 

Whenever Tyler had molded to his body he wasn't quite aware of it, but his contact was light enough that it didn't irritate the way harder contact would.

(Still irritating. But it was a pain he was willing to withstand for this.)

When they broke off Tyler seemed to notice, pulling away from Joshua. But he pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Joshua's mouth in his retreat, something tender and warm to the pliant mouth that was his.

“You’re makin’ it one hell of a lot harder to leave,” Tyler breathed.

The evening got lost this way, in the midst of kisses and soft caresses that left Joshua breathless in a way he hadn’t been in some time. No, Tyler was different; not like Edward, or anyone else he’d had this close in his life.

There was a safeness here. A closeness. An unspoken  _ I choose you as you are _ that made him feel lighter than air, even with all the bandages on his skin. That marked this as staggeringly different than anything he’d ever had before.

Joshua fell to dreamless sleep before Tyler did, fingertips idly brushing along the other man’s thigh. A reminder that he was there.

* * *

He woke with the gentle canyon morning settling in around him and Tyler gone.

* * *

Joshua nearly collided into Tyler as he was heading out of the inner cave of the Dead Horses, looking tired, looking ten years older than he was supposed to be. Brief happiness at seeing Joshua gave way quickly to an expression he knew was guarding something intense.

Disappointment, likely. He bit back a surge of guilt at not having this conversation  _ last night _ before he  _ fell asleep _ .

“Joshua.” He gave a soft smile anyway, and it was genuine. “I’m gonna --”

“ _ Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name _ .”

Silence cut between them like a knife. Tyler looked distinctly confused; scripture tended to leave him that way. It had made the first time Joshua lugged Psalm 137 at him in the river just outside the Dead Horses camp something of a standstill, but the courier had managed to take his meaning anyway.

“ _ Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from human oppression that I may -- _ ”

“Joshua.”

Tyler’s eyes were burning right into Joshua’s and he couldn’t look away, even if he wanted to.

“Do you know what it means?”

“Joshua fuckin’ Graham,” Tyler replied, face splitting into a smile as bright as the daylight. “How many times are you gonna avoid a simple yes or no question with scripture?”

“But you understood what I meant, didn’t you?”

“I wish I could just squeeze the breath out of you, you little shit!” he said, tension falling from his vowels like rainfall. “My god, we’re -- we’re  _ actually _ runnin’ away together?” He looked to Joshua for confirmation, and he nodded, sending the courier into a fit of joyful laughter, arms clutching at his elbows in a self-contained embrace.

(Which he had never done before. This was not a hallucination or a dream. Joshua was just this lucky.)

“Next you know it’ll be Vegas-style marriage with an Elvis impersonator.”

“I doubt that very highly, somehow,” Joshua replied with a smile in his voice. “I’ll need time to make it known to the Dead Horses I’ll be leaving for a bit. The adjustment will... take a few days, at least.”

“I’ll wait. Of course. God knows I can wait.”

“Thank you.” He stepped forward, pushing back his bandages to leave a soft kiss on Tyler’s forehead. “Thank you.”

“Thank  _ you. _ God, this is too good for me.” The courier was clutching the fingers of his own left hand with excitement, joy, still beaming his rare smile up at the burned man.

“Would you believe I had the exact same thought.”

“Think I know you well enough by now to say yes.”


	2. for the love of new vegas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get to vegas. go the fuck to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what we all wanna know is, are veronica and cass flirting? (secret: i know.)

The adjustment had taken more time than Tyler was comfortable with, pushing his departure date a week and a half off schedule. Joshua had suggested he head off first and they could rejoin in Vegas once he was done, but Tyler argued back that the route they were taking was less dangerous with two, to which Joshua had agreed. 

They didn’t get to talk much at the Dead Horses camp -- Joshua was busy, so their interactions were mostly in passing.  _ Does he regret...? _

Tyler shook his head. _ No. Not today. _ He couldn’t afford to doubt Joshua. Not now.

After appointing one of the Dead Horses Joshua knew to be capable to lead them in his absence, and many fond goodbyes, Joshua and Tyler headed out of Zion Canyon together for the dry Mojave heat. Travelling the measurable distance he’d gone without a caravan at his back worried him but Joshua assured him that the return route was much safer than the one he’d taken to get there.

“You know this how?”

“Return caravans. I’m not solely a spiritual leader. And we don’t harvest  _ everything _ we own.”

_ Fair enough _ , Tyler had figured.

It was a hassle at best. As Joshua had predicted, it was less dangerous than the journey Happy Trails had taken to get to Zion, but without the added security of a caravan it was enough to give the two a run for their money even together. Even so at night the two seemed reluctant to broach any barriers they had during that night by the fire. The addition of a nightly watch cut down on any time spent chatting amicably like they had in Little Zion, and their concentration during the day was spent making sure none of the creatures in the Western Wastes had the element of surprise on them.

It burst from his mouth one day as they were travelling. “-- Cazadors.”

Joshua jumped where he was, a few feet ahead. “What?”

“Cazadors. Pinches cabrónes -- look. Just.  _ Cazadors. _ ”

There was an ungodly amount of  _ cazadors  _ and that was what was getting in the way of some quality time with Joshua Graham, and Tyler was this close to just going after them all with a fucking flamer. But the tension building up in his chest started to dissipate when he saw the New Vegas strip lights shining out like a beacon in the night.

(There was still one more cazador attack before they hit the Strip. Tyler could have sworn he heard  _ Joshua _ swear.)

The Strip was just as active at night as it was in the day, but the cover of night still kept Joshua shrouded enough that no one looked twice as long as they stuck to the shadows. Tyler looked to Joshua when they caught sight of Gomorrah, even if he couldn’t actually  _ see _ the expression Joshua was making.

“Bein’ back in the Mojave is new for you.”

“Mmm.”

“You okay?”

“I didn’t frequent the Strip, as you can imagine.” Joshua cleared his throat. “I’m alright.”

Sneaking back into the Lucky 38 attracted attention as any interaction with the casino did so Joshua went in first and Tyler followed. Eyes could linger on the man with the bandages less that way. Tyler shut the door behind them, turning to look at the dusty entrance of the Lucky 38 that he’d become accustomed to before his stint in Zion. Joshua’s off-white bandages contrasted starkly against the dark red of the interior, and Tyler pondered for half a moment on purity.

The door clicked when it shut. Joshua turned, looking at Tyler, eyes a dark grey in the dimly-lit casino.

“You know,” Tyler said. “Folks are usually more impressed when I let ‘em in here.”

“I have some questions about how you took over Mr. House’s old haunt, but consider this.” Joshua reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose lightly. “I am tired.”

The courier laughed. “Yeah, let’s get to the presidential suite. Pretty sure by now everyone’ll be asleep so you can avoid the crew for now, whoever hasn’t wandered off at this point.” He walked over to the elevator as he checked the time on his Pip-Boy (reading 3:47AM), and Joshua fell into step beside him. 

Tyler looked up from the illuminated screen, curls bouncing up to expose the scar on his forehead before they fell back into place. “Didja wanna change your bandages tonight or tomorrow?”

Joshua thought on it for a moment as the cab came down. “Tonight. You probably already know that the Mojave can make you work up a sweat.”

“Mm.” A  _ ding.  _ How this old elevator worked after 200 years Tyler didn’t know. “Do you want help?”

He asked this every so often. It was almost a routine this point; a quiet  _ Didja need some help? _ followed shortly by a polite but firm  _ Thank you, but I’ll be fine on my own. _ Maybe Joshua would never be ready to ask for help but that didn’t mean Tyler couldn’t offer. Let Joshua know that even so, Tyler was still thinking about him.

Tonight seemed the same. “I can handle this on my own. Thank you.”

“Yep. Y’know if you ever want help and feel ready you only gotta ask.”

“I know.”

Joshua’s fingers brushed gently against Tyler’s, and the courier could have sworn he felt a Zion night breeze as the elevator doors opened and a second  _ ding _ rang out.

The suite was quiet. Tyler figured Arcade had probably checked out to help the Followers, Raul had gone to his shack, and Lily had headed back to Jacobstown. He lit up like a worker ant when Rex sleepily raised his head to see Tyler had come back.

“Rexie,” he said softly, dropping to his knees as the dog shed sleep like an overcoat at the sight of his long-gone friend. In the end Tyler got jumped on and wound up on the floor with Rex licking his face but that was absolutely fine in the courier’s book.

“I can feel you judging me,” Tyler stage whispered to wherever Joshua was, subduing gentle snorts as he got all but attacked by Rex’s slobbery affection. “Bathrooms are to the front left door. Go wild. Guest rooms are to the back but I dunno who’s takin’ what bed. Master room is right next to the bathrooms, bed’s big enough if you don’t mind bunkin’ up.”

“I’ll remember. Thank you.”

He heard the bathroom door close.  _ So that leaves Rex, Cass, Boone and Veronica, in all likelihood _ , Ty thought as he sat up. Rex nuzzled into his side and he affectionately rubbed the robodog’s cranial dome with his knuckles.

“Yeah, missed you too, bud.”

Eventually he forced himself to his feet and meandered over to the door to the master bedroom, weariness tugging at his sore legs. No one was there so he unlatched his Pip-Boy, took off his clothes in the doorway, stripped down to his briefs and kicked the clothing lump off to the side and stumbled over to the bed. Tyler collapsed spread-eagle on it.

_ Now hold up, _ good ol’ common sense chirped, _ Joshua might come by. _

Tyler groaned and banished himself to the right side of the bed and curled up on his side. It was still enough room to spare, and the bed was still nicer than anything in Zion Canyon, but he had to be indignant at  _ something _ , god damn it. His eyes fell half-open to turn down the lights just so to leave Joshua enough visibility if he came around to rest there. Then he turned and started to arrange the sheets in a more orderly fashion after having messed them up (who’d even  _ fixed _ the bed?). 

But in the process his eyes fell to his hip, even  _ more _ noticeable and protruding when he laid like this.

Oh,  _ hell _ . He’d already come out to Joshua but things felt... different in this state of undress. A knot of anxiety settled in his gut and he silently thanked the stars that at least he didn’t need to worry about his chest aside from the scars that hadn’t faded. Tyler yanked up one of the blankets all the way to his neck and decided to lay on his back.

Even with his mind tossing brand new scenarios at him, he was tired enough to finally start to drift off. He’d nearly fallen asleep when he heard the door open and careful footsteps reach the bed.

“Are you awake?”

Tyler huffed. “Yes.”

No response. Tyler peeked an eye open as Joshua made a depression in the bed with his knee, and he wondered what it would be liketo live in a way where you couldn’t just flop down on the bed in exhaustion, where your movements had to be careful and just so you wouldn’t get hurt doing everyday tasks.

Eventually settled, Joshua laid on top of the blankets. Tyler switched back to laying on his side, resting an arm on his waist to hopefully obfuscate his form.

“Hey, if I roll over into you in the middle of the night feel free to launch me into the wall.”

Joshua was apparently tired enough that he chuckled and Tyler internally fistpumped.

“Really, though, shove me over if I hurt you by accident.”

“You’ll be the first to know.”

“Sarcasm? From  _ you _ ?”

“Go to  _ sleep _ ."

* * *

 

Morning came and went. The two slept through it, exhausted from their travels, content to ignore and be ignored.

When Tyler’s eyes deigned to open it was to a hand in his hair, the half-light of the illumination he’d left Joshua in the night, and the very man laying on his side closer than he’d been the night prior, eyes shut. His usual SWAT vest and white shirt were missing, his worn jeans and belt still on, booted feet dangling off of the side of the bed.

_ This all feels very intimate _ was all that came to Tyler’s brain at that moment, remembering his own state of undress and noting his own blanket had been cast off. ( _ Dysphoria who? _ flickered across his mind barely, and he would have snickered at the blatant exaggeration if he wasn’t more than a little flustered.)

“Good morning.”

“Good Courier, I doubt it’s morning.”

“Unless you got the time on you I’m callin’ it morning.”

“You’re rather difficult to persuade.”

“Only when I just woke up.” He nuzzled, briefly, into Joshua’s touch. “How’re you feelin’?”

A tense sigh escaped him. “On edge.”

“...Joshua, if you don’t wanna do this --”

“We did  _ not _ walk that  _ entire way  _ for me to turn back two days later.”

Tyler snorted an  _ oh _ . “Isn’t sloth one of the seven deadly sins?” he asked, teasingly.

Joshua’s blue eyes cracked open and he raised one eyebrow at him.

“Be my guest, then, and walk back to Zion.”

“Not a religious type myself, preacher.” Tyler laughed. “In all seriousness, though. If you don’t wanna do this... I ain’t holdin’ you to it. I want you to know that.”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t mean to be,” Joshua replied, trying to be reassuring. “Perhaps  _ want _ is a bit of a stretch, but I said I would follow you through with this and I meant it. If this is some of my penance for my past sins I will not abandon you now.”

Joshua and his personal penance were not Tyler’s to comment on, so he didn’t.

“I’m not backin’ out on you either.”

“You proved that already. It’s my turn. Let me do this.”

Silence lulled between them. The hand on Tyler’s head was comforting, and the small space between them felt new and different but calm.

“We ain’t talked properly about the other night, y’know.” Joshua’s eyes had barely fallen shut before they opened again, now seeking eye contact.

“So we haven’t. I thought my... actions helped to clarify my stance on the matter.”

“A little. But I already bared my soul to you, which was fucking embarrassing, I might add.”

Joshua barely shifted. “Not really.”

“I  _ cried _ .” Tyler’s expression darkened. “Swear to god my own ma’s never seen that.”

“Your mother?”

“She lives in Freeside n’ I’d die for her, but you’re jumpin’ topics. You not ready yet?”

Tyler could almost see a lip bite through the bandages as Joshua’s brow furrowed. “Haven’t broached this particular topic in a long time. I... may need time to adjust to it.”

“I’ll back off.” The courier propped himself up on his elbow, the hand in his hair falling to his waist. He couldn’t bite back the small smile that tugged at his lips this time. “You hungry?”

Joshua’s eyes shut again. “I’m content to lay here for a bit.”

“Mmkay. I could eat a Brahmin so I’m gonna go greet the crew.”

“...you have to get up for that first.”

“...it’s a  _ process _ , Joshua.”

The gentle trailing of fingers on his waistline kept him from moving for longer than he would have cared to admit but eventually he forced himself out of the bed and pulled some clothes on. (He wasn’t sure if Joshua watched but the spike anxiety he got at the thought kept him from looking back.)

_ Probably ought to discuss that _ , that annoying little part of him that advocated for his comfort muttered.

“Could you look away?” he asked.

“Wasn’t looking, but I’ll remember.”

Relief and embarrassment hit him all at once and he went for the door quickly, clicking it shut behind him. He hardly had time to stew on those feelings, because the second he was out in the main hallway he got beaned with a pillow to the head.

“ _ Tyler! _ ”

A smile caught him, and he located Veronica peeking out of the guest rooms before getting her back, whacking her square in the chest with the pillow he’d caught.

“Good  _ morning _ , Santangelo.”

“How  _ dare  _ you last-name me,” she replied in mock offense, kicking the pillow as itfell and opening the door fully. “We expected you back  _ weeks _ ago! Half of us wondered if you were dead! I figured you took a bullet to the  _ head _ so Utah couldn’t take you down.”

“ _ Wow _ . Thanks for the vote of faith, Veronica.”

“Nooo problem. Just do me a favor and don’t go missing for a few weeks again.”

“I’ll do my best.” He offered her a small smile. “Who-all’s still here?”

“Cass is somewhere on the Strip right now, but I think Boone’s in the kitchen --”

A  _ ding _ and the elevator doors opened. Cass stepped out, a bag over her shoulder, which she hadn’t looked up on account of checking on.

“Speak of the devil,” Veronica chirped.

“Speak of yourself, thanks,” Cass responded, looking up as she stepped out of the elevator. Her expression went from neutral to surprised at meeting Tyler’s eyes. “You’re back.”

“Sure am.”

“Figured your caravan’d gone belly-up. Glad to see I was wrong.” About as cheerful of a greeting you would get out of Cass these days, but Tyler didn’t mind.

“Technically you’re not wrong. But I’m here, so it’s good to see you too. What’s in the bag?”

Cass raised an eyebrow at his statement, but didn’t press the matter further. “Ran outta here to get some food, since no one else will.”

“I’d have gone  _ with _ if you asked nicely,” Veronica teased, eliciting a half-grin from the caravaneer.

“You were  _ asleep _ ,” she said, tossing a box of Instamash at Veronica. “Anyway, since you’re back I figure we can get things back on the track they were before.”

“About that.”

The two women paused, looking at Tyler.

“It’s... not a  _ change _ in plan, exactly. We’re still talkin’ independent Vegas and taking down the Legion. We just have an extra piece on the board now.”

“A good piece, I hope,” Veronica said. “Not another pawn. We have enough of those.”

“Way to get carried away with the chess metaphor,” Cass said.

“All I’m saying is we could do with more queens,” Veronica replied, looking pointedly at Cass.

_ Ain’t that a kick in the head _ , Tyler thought.

“But we can talk about it later. Just know that there is a strange man in my bed who neither of you know, so please don’t attack him.”

Cass and Veronica broke stares to look at Tyler.

“It’d be like you to bring back men from Utah,” Cass said after a moment. 

Tyler opened his mouth to protest but the night in Zion flashed in his mind. He stammered before shutting his open mouth abruptly, much to the amusement of Veronica.

“Oh, so it  _ is _ like that.”

“I  _ never _ said that. Statements like that fluster a man.”

“Alright, alright,” Veronica said, inching over to punch his shoulder in a friendly way. “I got you.”

“You can stay here and bicker about boys if you want, I’m going to go put this in the kitchen,” Cass interrupted, walking off. Tyler and Veronica followed in pursuit of food.

“Your caravan went, then. I hear good things about Happy Trails anyhow though,” Cass asked, moving her bag to the side so she could open the door.

“I managed to set up connections with some of the tribes in Zion, even if they didn’t get to connect with New Canaan like they wanted.” Tyler worried at his lip. “Being that New Canaan was destroyed.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

She opened the door, letting Veronica crow “TYLER HAS A BOYFRIEND” to a bewildered Boone at the table, his beret by his arm and sunglasses propped up on his head.

“Congratulations,” he said, sounding more like he was asking a question.

"Thanks, Craig," Tyler said defeatedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what we all wanna know is, are veronica and cass flirting? (secret: i know.)


	3. breakers in the bar

“So you’re gonna meet the entire crew. Everyone. Like, everyone, we literally got everyone to start plannin’ the Legion takedown, and...”

Joshua nodded, observing the way Tyler kept grabbing at his own knuckles, the dedication with which Tyler wasn’t looking him in the eye.

“You’re nervous.”

Tyler winced, eyes falling to the floor. “I’m worried that Boone might have a mind to try to tackle you or somethin’. Look, he’s -- he’s got plenty of reason to hate the Legion, and honestly he will  _ never _ forgive them for... things that have happened. And I don’t think he should! I don’t blame him. And he’s  _ not _ gonna trust you. At best he’ll be openly hostile."

“We did terrible things.”

“I know. I know he don’t have to forgive anyone but at the same time... I’m worried. About. Well.”

“If I may?” Joshua asked, and Tyler nodded, making eye contact. “I’d like you to not defend me. I  _ do _ need to hear what these people have to say -- scream, even -- about who I was, even from Boone. From anyone who has anything to say about the Legion and what I  _ definitely _ had a significant part in creating.”

“Okay.” Tyler took a deep breath, then nodded again. “I’ll keep an eye out for a brawl starting, nothing more.”

“Thank you.” A brief hand clasp, and they were off.

* * *

 

The name  _ Joshua Graham  _ echoed around the presidential suite’s kitchen. Dead silence took over for about two seconds.

“Joshua Graham,” Cass repeated.

“ _ Joshua Graham _ ,” Boone said, voice rising.

“Joshua Graham?” Veronica asked.

“Joshua Graham,” Arcade said pensively, “where have I --”

“We all know his name, yes,” Tyler said, voice betraying irritation. Joshua brushed his shoulder briefly, and Tyler took a side seat without further ado, but with his brow furrowed regardless.

He only allowed a fraction of a second to pass before speaking. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Mostly ‘should I know that name’ right now,” Veronica said, propping her elbows on the table, eyeing Joshua with curiosity. “Nice bandages.”

Cass was less on the fence. “I heard your story more than once. Caravans swap all kinds’a stories on the long nights. I know who you are.”

“He’s supposed to be  _ dead _ , if this is even him,” Boone said, no lack of venom in his voice. “The NCR --”

“NCR failed to kill this one five times. Stories talked about the Burned Man walking -- figure I’m not too shocked if it is.” She crossed her arms on the table, looking at Tyler. “Y’know for sure this is him?”

The courier nodded. Veronica was looking more impressed by the second at the bandages.

Arcade raised a hand. “I have  _ some _ idea of who you are. Probably not to the same extent as,” he here gestured at Cass and Boone, “but enough to know who you are, a bit. So could _ someone  _ lay out the whole story for those of us who have no idea what is going on.”

“Joshua Graham was one of the first founders of the Legion along with the more obvious,” Raul said, speaking up for the first time in the discussion. “Got thrown to hell after screwing up big-time at the First Battle of Hoover Dam.”

“If by hell you mean the Grand Canyon, while also being on fire,” Cass added. Veronica looked much more impressed than she had before but with a touch more reluctance. “That sums it up pretty well.”

“What’s the point of this?” Boone asked, looking to Tyler.

“I ain’t an idiot.” Tyler stopped to prop his feet on the table, one by one. It was a calculated move. His face betrayed little. “Most of you are followin’ me as volunteers. I got no problem with that. But before I make major, game-changin’ decisions, I wanna make sure my team ain’t plottin’ my death first. We agree or we don’t. That’s on you. But I’m fightin’ with a key member on my side who  _ knows _ more about the Legion than any of us. But we’re on a time limit here. I need answers from all of you.”

“Then --”

“ _ But _ ,” he went on, “this ain’t somethin’ to answer right off. Take some time. We’ll reconvene  _ later _ , after everyone’s had a chance to do their thinkin’ and has solid answers.”

* * *

 

After the fact, and a bit of searching the presidential suite to no avail, Joshua concluded that Tyler had run off to avoid everything as he was so inclined to do. He took the elevator, figuring he’d check the casino entryway (to no avail). He knew Tyler had told him that there was really nothing much on the top floor besides the securitron helping make all this possible, so he figured he’d check the martini bar rather than there. If he wasn’t there then he’d probably headed out solo and Joshua couldn’t follow him.

That worried him. He pushed the idea to the back of his mind and waited on the elevator.

The sound of the elevator doors opening obviously tipped Tyler off to where he was, but at least he didn’t have to search for him. “Yeah, the fuck you want?” he heard Tyler call out

“Where have you  _ been  _ \--”

“Oh, Joshua. C’mon over.”

Joshua stepped out in the clear, blinking at the sudden light from the overhead windows. Tyler was seated 20 feet off on a stool at a pristine-looking prewar bar, an untouched shot glass filled with amber liquid before him.

“I’d offer but I know you don’t. Water? Somethin’ else?”

“I’m fine, thank you. May I join you anyway?”

Tyler waved him over and he took the seat next to him.

“You ran off rather suddenly,” he observed. “Care to talk?”

Tyler snorted, then picked up the shot glass, downing the alcohol in one go and then exhaling through his teeth. “You may be  _ shocked _ by this but I ain’t one for confrontation. Fightin’.”

“Actually I do find that shocking.”

“I can shoot from sunup to sunset. But shoutin’ from my team. That’s different. Makes me one hell of a leader, as you can imagine.”

“It makes you someone who’s had to deal with too much too early,” Joshua insisted. “You’ve lead your people far enough to topple Mr. House, as I recall. You helped me lead an entire attack against the White Legs.”

Tyler did another shot before he replied. “Falls into line with what I said about bein’ able to shoot just fine.”

Bluntness, then. “You were there for me in one of my darkest hours and pulled me out of the other end of it kicking and screaming.”

“Hated that confrontation, too.”

“You still did it. And I’m better for what you’ve done. You  _ are  _ a good leader, despite what your past instills in your behavior now and what you believe about that.”

* * *

 

Tyler looked uneasy still at the second meeting. His eyes wouldn’t meet anyone’s, except on the rare occasion the Followers doctor and Joshua himself.

“Right to it. Let’s start.”

“I’ll start. I think it’s a smart idea,” Veronica said. “It’d be the same if you were trying to infiltrate or destroy virtually any major organization in the Mojave -- having someone who used to be on the inside makes tactical sense. And given that this guy literally helped  _ start _ this shit-show? Ignore the overused gambling metaphor but we have more face cards than we did before.”

Joshua raised an eyebrow quietly. This Veronica certainly spoke her mind.

“Seconded,” Cass said. “Still suggesting we err on the side of caution, but it’s a solid plan. Keep a close eye on him. See what he can teach us with weapons and ammo, too.”

Raul squinted. “Gives you more time to focus on what you want Vegas to be when you’re done here. Not to mention, you know, less of a chance for death. More if you’re caught. Could buy you a lot of trouble if you’re caught. But less if you’re careful.”

“Lily, you’re quiet,” Tyler said. Joshua followed his eyes to the nightkin in the corner he’d somehow glossed over and tried not to visibly jump.

“I can’t say anything that hasn’t been said already, dearie,” she said sweetly, teeth bared as the nightkins’ often were, gardening hat falling forward just a bit when she nodded. “Only that I think people deserve second chances, don’t you?”

Boone swallowed hard. Tyler didn’t respond. “Boone, you obviously have some feelings on the matter.”

“Yeah, and all of them are why we’re even considering this.” Boone’s lips were thinned to a line, brown drawn so sharply Joshua could cut banana yucca with it. “You’re telling me we’re just gonna let the  _ Malpais Legate _ saunter into what we’re doing.”

“I feel like I’m the only one legitimately on the fence about this,” Arcade said suddenly. Raul raised his hand to indicate there were two of them rather fenced. “I can’t say any positive points that haven’t already been said, but I would like to add on that. Well. The Legion has used questionable methods, to be  _ understated _ , in the past. I’m not worried about you turning us over to the Legion considering the price that must be on your head,” he said, turning to Joshua, “but I have pretty much no certification that you’re not going to be just as brutal in places you shouldn’t be.”

“With regards to the Legion?” Joshua asked.

“What? No, I don’t care what you do to them. I mean in dealing with  _ innocents _ , people that aren’t Legion. Back in the day you didn’t care what you toppled over to get to glory. Are we going to do that here? Because I can’t be complicit in that.”

The Legate and the courier swapped glances before he answered.

“No. My goal is not to hurt innocent people in this process. Innocents are never in my crosshairs.” A metaphor, but it worked. Lily seemed to smile as best as Joshua could guess. “It’s no certification, but you have my word.”

Arcade sat back with a nod. “Then my vote goes to proceeding with caution.”

“Still concerned about this death thing,” Raul said under his breath. “Head of the Legion won’t take too kindly to, well --” he here gestured at Joshua.

“I cannot  _ believe _ we are even thinking about this,” Boone interrupted, tone cold. “This man has done things that would make most of the idealists in this room  _ cry in their sleep _ . Suddenly it’s okay to drag him on board because of whatever reasons you’ve thrown out.”

Joshua could see Tyler tensing up in the corner of his eye.

“You’re right,” he said, for once offering an independent statement. Boone looked somewhere between surprised and vindicated, eyes locked on the Burned Man. “Completely. I have no counterargument. I have done things that are repugnant to human nature and God Himself, I am aware. I will never forget the violence my hands have perpetrated. And I will  _ never _ be able to fully make up for it. My hands are irreversibly bloodstained. I could pull out more platitudes but it wouldn’t appease you or make up for what I’ve done. So allow me this one step at penance even if I can never make the full journey.”

A tense moment of silence came and went. Boone’s jaw was clenched, one muscle occasionally popping.

“The closer we get to the Legion,” Tyler said softly, “the closer we get to Caesar.”

Yet another tense moment. This one dragged, with the addition of the courier in the feeling. Some unspoken conversation had just happened under Joshua’s nose but he wasn’t about to ask about specifics.

“If I see,” Boone breathed, “one single sign of Legion activity. One  _ single _ thing that seems  _ off  _ from you. I am shooting and not asking any questions this time.”

That didn’t settle with Tyler. “You ask questions or I can manage fine without you. Y’aint blowin’ this entire plan over somethin’ you  _ think seems _ off.”

“ _ Fine _ .” Boone bristled. “My point is I’m fucking watching you, we clear? And this isn’t  _ over _ either. Got it?”

“Couldn’t miss it if I tried,” Joshua said.

“Then do we have anyone firmly against this besides the obvious?” Tyler asked the room at large, looking around at his companions.

Raul raised his hand. “We’re scouting out the Legion.”

“Yes.”

“Jefe, ¿puedo quedarme?”

From the looks of it, Tyler’s eyes rolled so hard they nearly rolled back into his skull. “Por supuesto, Raul.”

“Querido Diosito. I’m in.”

“ _ Finally _ .” Tyler pulled his legs off the table, body language switching from trying to be invisible to making himself the center of attention. “Joshua moves at night. The rest of you can do whatever you want. Word spreadin’ about Joshua bein’ here is  _ not _ what we need, n’ visuals are harder to get at night. Our three main scoutin’ locations are Nelson, a rumored Legate camp near Hoover Dam, and of course Cottonwood Cove.  _ Scouting _ , mind ya? We’re not plottin’ an attack just yet. We’re figurin’ out what we hell we’re gettin’ ourselves into here. No shootin’ yet. Boone, I figure you can lead a party around Nelson since there’s an NCR camp stationed there. Veronica is a damn good on-ground fighter, too, if you need her. You two on it?”

The man in question still looked incredibly angry, but he nodded. Veronica shot him a thumbs-up. Joshua quietly noted the permission sought in each order and said nothing.

“Obviously a bigger party is gonna have to take Cottonwood Cove in case of detection. Lily, you lead that particular event, wouldja? Arcade, tag along in case of medical emergencies?”

“Grandma’s got it handled,” she responded.

Arcade was nonplussed. “Dammit -- Tyler, I’m a  _ researcher _ , not a doctor.”

In an unusually juvenile gesture, Tyler stuck his tongue out. “Do your best, doc. Cass, you care to help out with Cottonwood Cove?”

“I’m on it.” Cass nodded.

“Cool. Raul.”

“Why.”

“...Just stay here and watch the 38. I want you repairing weapons and armor, too, and Veronica, you can help chip in when you’re back. Joshua, I want you on the maybe Legate camp. We’re dealin’ with a lotta variables. I want you on ground for that, if you would.”

“And my team?” he asked. He knew the answer but figured he should get the formality out of the way.

“Diamond flush for you,” Tyler said, keeping a smirk out of his voice. “You get me.”

* * *

 

After catching sleep during the day, both Courier and Legate set out for Hoover Dam after sunset. The sounds of Freeside eventually died behind them as they walked due southeast in the creeping, stifling Mojave night.

“We’re headin’ through Boulder City and we can stop for emergencies at 188, if we’re careful,” Tyler stated as a stiff night breeze kicked up, tousling his hair as he was silhouetted from the front by Pip-Boy light. “Should be well-stocked for the trip, though, so let’s avoid emergencies if we can.”

Joshua’s tension eased off, now that they were alone again. “Mm.”

A beat. They fell into step beside each other.

“You were speaking Spanish with -- what was his name?” he asked, suddenly.

“Raul?” Tyler asked, letting his tone fall to idle chatter. “Yeah. We’re both Mexican and fluent speakers, so. ‘S just easier sometimes.”

“I understood bits of it. I think it may have been one of the languages that contributed to the creation of some of the tribal languages back home -- the Sorrows’ language, in particular.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I would go so far as to say it’s the main root of their language.”

“So I could have tried to talk to Waking Cloud in  _ my _ language. Well, shoot.”

Joshua let a deep, but short chuckle leave him.

“Speakin’ of Raul,” Tyler said. “How’re you feelin’ about the crew?”

“Not very much one way or another.”

“C’moooon. That ain’t true.”

He sighed. “Arcade is... good at hiding how youthful some of his idealism is. Raul has a level of apathy I can only dream of. Lily’s friendly. I get the idea that Cass has seen more than she wants to talk about.” He wondered about her, her past and what she had seen, for a moment. “Boone has been hurt but shows it much more. And Veronica seems... charming. Forward.”

“You could say that.”

“Return question. Are you feeling any different after...”

“Yes.” Tyler turned his head, looking at him. “It’s part over with. I’m not in the middle of the situation. Doubt it’s over with Boone, exactly, but I feel better with a rifle on me and the road ahead.”

Silence fell again the further they drifted from Freeside. It was broken once, with a laugh from Tyler, but otherwise remained undisturbed.

Anyone in their right mind travelled with a companion at night. One had to keep an eye out this time of night when the crickets assaulted your ears for whatever could creep up on you in the dark, geckos, cazadors, fiends, and what have you.

Anyone in their right mind looking to prey on certain travellers would think twice seeing Courier Six and the Burned Man side-by-side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can come watch me ramble and vague detail about what each chapter is on my tumblr, malpaislegate! or if you just wanna chat about joshua/m!courier.
> 
> anyway take this chapter. i don't wanna look at it anymore

**Author's Note:**

> WHO ISN'T DOWN FOR A LET'S KILL CAESAR TOGETHER AU
> 
> updates will be sporadic if and when they get done. so. here. take this take it fucking. dash them on the rocks or whatever


End file.
